Following the no contact rules seem to be the most talked about subject on a lot of websites I mentioned earlier. When employing no contact, there are certain no contact rules that must be adhered to. Oh yes, just because there aren’t written rules for no contact doesn’t mean there aren’t any no contact rules. I will break down the no contact rules for you, so that you may be empowered to employ no contact, and you will gain fantastic results no matter your goal.
The first thing I will say about this concept is that no contact (NC) is NOT a tool for you to use to get her back. I am going to say this again so that you understand it completely: No Contact is NOT a tool to get her back. No Contact is used to gain some distance from your situation, allowing you to objectively look at your situation, and understand the reality of what is going on. It is virtually impossible to get a clear understanding of anything when you are so emotionally involved in it.
This means that you are not going to try and convince her to be friends. She may want to remain friends, but this is a terrible idea, because she is most likely offering that out of guilt for hurting you. You are going to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t be friends with you right now. I’m sure you understand”. No explanations. Do not get into telling her how hurt you are and how it is too much for you to deal with. She knows that and she will completely understand. If she doesn’t, well, maybe you should re-evaluate the genuine goodness in her. If she insists on maintaining a friendship, then she is nothing more than a selfish slug. Plus, you don’t want to give her the ego boost of hearing how much power and control she has over your life.
Having no contact with your ex means exactly what it says. You do not call her, you do not email her, you do not text message her, and you do not reply to any attempted contact she makes with you. There are a few reasons you would want to put this concept into practice. The first thing it does is, as I stated earlier, it allows you to clearly see your situation for what it really is. Do you really want a relationship with her or are you just having a case of “wanting what you can’t have” syndrome? If you put yourself at a distance from the drama, you may begin to think of things that you didn’t find appealing in the relationship. Maybe she was a woman that farted in bed and that disgusted you at the time, but once she left you, it all of a sudden became cute. Maybe she had chronic halitosis, and you were always worried she would catch on to why you didn’t kiss her a lot, and your pride has forced you to forget that little bit of information. Sometimes a change of emotional scenery is all we need to realize that maybe the break-up was for the best after all.
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No contact, to me, also means not watching movies you both enjoyed together obsessively, not listening to the same music they like, not going to the places where you have a glimmer of hope of running into them at, and even if you must, cut off mutual friends for a while. Remember that these don’t have to be permanent changes. Only until you can do those things without being reminded of her in a way that causes you to slip into a deep depression.
Another reason to practice this is to lessen the pain you feel. They say that time heals all wounds and there is a lot of truth in that. The longer you go without contact with her, the less it hurts that she isn’t calling, and eventually you realize that there is more to life than her and a relationship with her. Of course this is tough to do if you are just sitting around the house all day, counting how many days it has been since you last spoke to her, and not keeping yourself busy with things like going to work, taking a shower, eating, sleeping, spending time with friends and family, and so many other things.
Okay, now we’ve reached the reason that most people employ this tactic, and that is that NC can help turn you back into the person she fell in love with. The way this happens is described above. After a prolonged period of no contact, a chance for healing takes place, and all of your bitterness has subsided, you could actually have a conversation with her and not try to impress her. You feel totally relaxed and don’t feel compelled to have a conversation about the relationship. It’s just you and her and you are doing what people who feel no animosity do: You are connecting, albeit again, on an intellectual level. You are not talking like the obsessive, clingy, needy, stalker-scary like person you had been after you’ve taken an emotional vacation.
NC is very important, and in my opinion, should be put into practice as soon as possible, regardless of your motivations for employing it. There are no downsides to this whatsoever. It’s totally win-win. It helps you heal with dignity and self-respect, and it can help you win back the one you love. No matter what your goal is, I think this is a must. I know there are situations that make this impossible. Sometimes you have kids together and have to maintain contact for that reason. I wouldn’t ever suggest parents cut off all contact. That’s ridiculous. What you can do, is to make sure that whenever you are in contact, the conversations are about the kids and nothing else!
There are no excuses for you not to be able to do this. If you don’t have kids, but have financial obligations together, make sure your contact is about that and that alone. Don’t ask questions about their personal life. Make sure the bills are being taken care of and leave it alone. A big excuse I see being used is the one that you are afraid that she is going to forget you. That’s a bunch of hogwash (that’s southern for bullshit). Everyone has done this . . . you are just sitting there, watching TV, listening to the radio, or whatever it is that you do, when all of a sudden you think of a long lost friend that you haven’t thought of in ages. We, as intellectual beings, do not forget people that have had even the smallest effect on our lives. We just don’t. I would be willing to bet that you will cross her mind many times each day, for a long, long time. Just because she isn’t calling doesn’t mean she isn’t thinking of you. Do you call everyone you think of each time you think of them? I didn’t think so.
Another popular question I’ve heard is, “How long am I suppose to be in no contact with her”? and the simple answer to that is as long as it takes for you to know you can handle hearing how her life is going without having an emotional reaction to it. If you know it is not going to hurt you to hear she is happily married, with a baby on the way, then chances are good you can talk to her again. At that stage, if she doesn’t want to be friends, or maintain a relationship of some sort with you, then you can handle it gracefully and with the dignity you wish you would’ve shown when she broke up with you in the first place. Make sense?
The last thing I will say about the no contact concept is how will she ever miss you, or know what she’s missing, if you are always around? You’ve shown a lot of great sides to your personality for long enough that she will remember that more, as time goes by, and forget the desperate and clingy child-like creature you were while going through the break up. You don’t need to feel as if you have to “make up” for acting like such a fool during the break up. You were hurt, bitter, and angry. Believe me, she understands that, and doesn’t think of you in that way. She remembers the person that made her laugh and shared good times with. So don’t worry about it. Practice the no contact concept and YOU WILL feel much better. It’s not as hard to do as you make it out to be.
Aren’t you tired of the endless cycle that is brought about by staying in touch? You walk on eggshells so that she isn’t weirded out by the idea of “being friends” but you feel the stress and frustration mount. Walk away from it. You have too much to deal with right now to add that on top of everything else. Give yourself a break and take an emotional vacation from it all.
