One of the biggest mistakes we make, when we’ve had our hearts torn to pieces, is that all too often we blame ourselves, and consequently, take it out on ourselves. We don’t know how to handle regret. We deprive ourselves of the kind of love that is most important of all, and that is self-love. We rehash the mistakes we’ve made and talk down on ourselves. “You are an idiot”, “I can’t believe I was that stupid”, “What was I thinking”, “I don’t deserve to be loved”. Instead of knowing how to handle regret, we allow the regret to handle us, and we get stuck in the rut of regret.
These are all examples of how we talk to ourselves when we are hurting, have lost self-esteem, and lost our self-respect. A remedy to break this terrible and unfair habit is to, every time you recall a mistake you made that you regret, is to say out loud, “What’s done is done”. Repeat this to yourself so that you are reminded of the fact that, while you may regret what happened, it is something that happened in the past. We are no longer living in the past and we will not dwell on the past. The only thing we are doing now is looking forward to a bright and wonderful future.
What I want you to start doing is practicing positive self talk. Consciously tell yourself all of the things about you that make you such a great person. I’m not trying to turn you into Saturday Night Live’s Stuart Smalley, saying, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me”. What I want you to do is to understand that you talk to yourself all the time and what you say has an incredible impact on how you feel, as well as what you think of yourself. If you don’t believe that, do a little experiment. I want you to say, out loud, “I am such an idiot”. Seriously.
How did you feel after you said it? I’m willing to bet you felt a tinge of depression and sadness creeping in. Now, clear that thought and feeling out of your mind, and say out loud, “I am AWESOME”! Say it again, this time say it with a wide smile on your face! I’ll bet that, after that, you actually felt awesome. It really works!
The first step in changing the way you talk to yourself is to notice how you talk to yourself. Be aware of what you say to yourself both aloud and in your head. Most people don’t even realize how often they say negative things in their head, nor do they notice how much that affect their moods and feelings. I would suggest that, after realizing you said something bad about yourself, you write it down in a journal. Then come back to it later to analyze what you are saying to yourself.
Once you notice a pattern of how you talk to yourself, you can take steps to change that, such as using more forgiving language. Consciously change the negative words to neutral or positive statements. For example, when you catch yourself saying something like, “I am such an idiot”, change that to, “I am awesome”. Sounds silly but this really works.
Here is a small collection of positive affirmations you can use each day. Say these things, either out loud or in your head, as often as you think about it.
” Each day, in every way, I am getting better and better”.
” I am feeling more at peace with each day”
” I attract positive energy and abundance in my life”
” I rejoice in the love I encounter everyday”
” My body heals quickly and easily”
” I attract only healthy relationships”
” I am my own unique self. Special, talented, wonderful”
” Life is a joy filled with wonderful surprises”
” I know that I deserve love and accept love”
Consciously repeat some of these affirmations as often as you think about it and you will notice a major shift in how you feel about yourself and your life.
Another way that I want you to be kind to yourself is to go out and DO something for yourself. Buy something you’ve been wanting. Go somewhere you’ve wanted to go. Take a class and learn something you’ve always wanted to learn. Take guitar lessons. Take a yoga class! Have you ever wanted to learn a new language??
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Try something you’ve always wanted to try, but have been too scared, or just didn’t think it was important enough. One thing that you must remember is that you are worth splurging on. If you don’t love yourself enough to do the things you need to be happy, then how can you expect someone else to love you enough to make you happy? This is a time in your life when you absolutely have to focus on yourself!
Here are some more ideas on how you can do yourself the favor of being good to yourself:
1. Reward yourself! Give yourself little rewards as you progress through the process of getting over a broken heart. Buy yourself little things as a reminder that you are special and worth the little rewards of life.
2. Listen to music. Music always has the ability to lift our spirits. Just be sure that it isn’t something that you shared in common with the ex. No, I wouldn’t reccommend, “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye but I would suggest something totally different from what your ex listened to. Anything that is unlikely to remind you of her or of your relationship.
3. Relax with a good book. I love to read and can find myself so lost in a good book that I forget the outside world. I read mysteries, suspense, and of course, self-help. Doing this helps to expand your mind and thought process. Through this activity, you will find that you won’t obsess about your broken heart.
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4. Whenever you feel especially down, it’s okay to indulge a little in some good fattening food. Just remember to work out extra hard in your next session, but a little indulgence once in a while is good.
5. Redecorate your living space. Repaint your walls, change your wall paper, move your furniture around. This is just another step in the process of becoming the new and improved you!
6. Take naps. I know I sound like an old grandma, but the value of a good nap can never be understated. I don’t mean nap for hours at a time. A good 30 to 45 minute nap can do wonders for your spirits.
7. Rent movies that you know your ex never would have wanted to watch and invite some friends over to enjoy it with you.
8. Turn your stereo on, turn it up as loud as you like (without getting into trouble with the neighbors) and dance your butt off! In the privacy of your own home or room, you can cut loose and it will feel great. This is another great way of being kind to yourself.
No matter what you do to be good to yourself, just remember that when you start feeling down about the regrets in your life, simply repeat, “What’s done is done”.
