There are fifteen essential things you should know if you want to know how to find and keep a boyfriend. If you follow these steps you will be in relationship heaven.
1. Be realistic. If you look like Roseanne, don’t fixate on finding a Tom Cruise look-alike
2. Be a hot mama, not a prospective mama. Men have a radar for detecting women who are baby hungry.
3. Make dating a priority. Finding the right man as you would a job hunt. The key is to always be prepared because you never know when or where you’ll meet someone. Wear clothes that make you feel attractive and plan ahead for interesting conversation.
4. Nix the ex talk. On the first few dates ex-cise the desire to tell the new man all about the previous boyfriend. If your ex was fabulous, your date will feel he can’t measure up. But if you bash your ex too much, your date could think, Whoops — she might be talking about me that way in a few months! Similarly, you should be wary of a man who can’t stop talking about his former paramour. If he’s still hung up on her, his heart has no room for you.
5. Neurotics needn’t apply. You both need to be emotionally healthy to forge a successful relationship. For instance, it’s not a good sign if you’re in the relationship primarily because you’re frightened of being alone. It’s equally bad if your guy looks as longingly at the gin bottle as he does at you. Or if he’s morbidly depressed. Don’t fall into the codependent trap and think you can “heal” him. It’s smarter to look for a man who doesn’t need healing.
6. Mind your manners. Men are understandably appalled when their bright, attractive, funny date suddenly does something tacky like ripping a piece of bread in half and putting the other half back in the bread basket or applying lipstick at the table. Be on time, shut off your cell phone, look him in the eye, not down at the floor. Don’t ask him too many questions about his job. He’ll think you’re a gold digger.
7. Similarity breeds success. This doesn’t mean you’ve got to marry your clone. But when you’re getting to know someone, ask yourself if you and he have the same core values. Think money, intelligence, lifestyle and sense of humor. And think really hard if your major life goals mix well. Both of you need to agree on the merits or disadvantages of marriage, making babies and whether to aspire to living in a tree house or a penthouse. These are things that you can start finding out in as little as a date or two.
8. Present a challenge. Let the guy know you like him, but don’t take his initial interest as a signal to latch on to him right away. Three dates do not a relationship make. We’re not talking The Rules here — don’t hesitate to return his call in a timely fashion. But don’t build your social life around him (for example, keep your Friday night theater subscription with your friend Beth) and don’t press him to talk about his “feelings.” Do make it clear that while he’s a welcome addition to your life, he is not the whole enchilada. This is all subject to change after you have been dating awhile and the relationship has become more serious.
9. Don’t be a babbling brook. Sure, you’ve got a host of charming stories, but save some for the second date. Men really want to occasionally get a word in edgewise. Women should pace themselves and think of about two to three great stories to tell on their date. But don’t go overboard talking about yourself!
10. Sunny side up. “My male clients bemoan the lack of warmth that women project,” says Kelleher. “Guys say many women clearly don’t want their date to give them a hug or open the door.” Lower your guard, flex those lips into a smile and be nice.
11. Be a girl. Leave your professional persona at the office. “My male clients also complain that women often come across as masculine — dressing in stiff suits and debating their date on everything from what wine to order to world affairs to who gets the check,” says Kelleher. (Let him.) In other words: It’s a date, not a boxing match.
12. Look beyond his good looks. Don’t be dazzled by a handsome face and buff bod. Is this guy worthy of winning your heart? How good is he at relationships? How does he treat his mother? How does he get along with siblings, cousins and friends? If the answer to those questions is not too well, take heed. Once he is confident of your affections, he might revert to type and treat you like everyone else he “cares” about.
13. Be mindful of that ole black magic. At first glance you felt more of an urge to hold his hand than jump his bones? That’s not a terrible sign: Physical attraction can deepen as you really get to know and trust each other. But there must be an ember of initial attraction to build from. Without any chemistry, you’re better off as friends.
14. Hold out before having sex. You should forego sex at least for a little while. The matchmaker feels that until your guy is ready to commit at least part of his soul, you’re better off not committing your entire body. Ideally you should wait until you’ve had the discussion about not seeing other people. That way you’re sure he’s operating more out of love than lust.
15. Go with the flow. The real key to making it as a couple is that both people are willing to compromise. If one or both partners must always have their way and are threatened by even small changes, trouble will soon be brewing. For example, if he suddenly has to work late on a night you were hoping to cook him dinner, be understanding of his need to be flexible and have him come over for coffee instead of the main course. Of course, he should be really sorry for the change in plans and should want to make it up to you. To learn how you can become a man magnet, click here.
